People are easy to get along with until two or more of us get together.  Because we are all unique, differences will invariably arise.  It is the way we manage those differences that determines the quality of our relationships. As a lawyer, professor, counselor, and coach, I’ve spent over twenty-five years helping people manage their differences.

One thing I’ve learned is that each of our relationships (including our relationships with ourselves) evolves through phases of development. During one phase, usually the first phase of any new relationship, we avoid or ignore our differences.  This is what I call the “avoidance” phase, so named because our self-focus or our employment of various strategies constitutes avoidance of our differences.  You probably are already conscious about this phase: you might think of it as the “honeymoon” period where everyone is on his or her best behavior.

Generally, the next phase that occurs is what I call “dissatisfaction.” During this phase, we recognize our displeasure about the differences we are experiencing with others.  We have urges to confront these differences and change the other person. The other person is the problem, of course, we say to ourselves.  If only they would do or be as we want, then everything would be just fine. 

Following this phase, we are sometimes able to enter the phase of “letting go” where our focus turns inwardly and we address the barriers that keep us from warmly and effectively relating with ourselves and others.

Finally, after progressing through the transitional phase of letting go, we reach community,2 the final phase, where we are able to integrate our differences and love, work, and play with one another at an optimal level.

These phases have been known by various names for more than sixty years. However, only relatively recently has the state of the art progressed to the point that we may systematically address all the barriers arising to relationship development in each phase. And what I’ve learned is that the way we recognize and transition between phases is just as important as the phases themselves. With this knowledge and practical experience, each of us can learn to manage our differences in a way that gives us the most satisfying relationships that human beings can achieve.

I apply these principles in individual, couple, and group sessions that can be short-term or long term.  I also offer custom-designed workshops in each of my practice areas.